I was actually going to start this blog off with an essay about my love/hate affair with Star Wars, but I decided that was too cliché nerdy, so I’ve opted to write about Dino Riders instead. Not that I’m an expert on them, but I feel that no one has written in-depth about them, although to be perfectly honest I did less than zero research to back up this statement. For those of you who are wondering how one can do less than zero research, it can be best explained in the following mathematical formula: Zero research + total apathy = less than zero research. This is a mathematical conundrum the likes of which has never been seen before, as it is the first time that adding a positive to zero can equal a negative, but I digress
Sooooooo, where was I? Ah yes, Dino-Riders. When I was a wee lad, I loved dinosaurs like they were the second coming. Okay, maybe not to that level of blasphemy, but I loved them nonetheless. And what kid didn’t honestly love the idea of enormous, flesh-rending monsters stomping around tearing everything up and not really giving a flying you-know-what while they did it. Who was going to tell Tyrannosaurus Rex that he needed to keep it down? Certainly not me, though Chuck Norris might. Apparently I wasn’t the only child of the ’80-‘90’s who loved the thunder lizards though, because it seemed like they were everywhere: in the movies (Jurassic Park anyone), on TV (in a mercifully short-lived sitcom as well as other places), and even in Calvin and Hobbes comics. But the place that I remember them the most fondly was in Dino-Riders, a toy line that merged two of the greatest things ever: dinosaurs and mind control.
If you don’t know the premise of Dino-Riders, it’s fairly simple. The good guys (whose names I can’t remember), who won’t kill anything (and are probably vegans, because plants can’t die) are being chased by the bad guys, who are various types of humanoid amphibians, insects, and reptiles and call themselves Rulons. Apparently the irony of “evolved” reptiles enslaving their evolutionary ancestors was too great for the show and toy line’s creators to pass up…or else I’m putting too much thought into this.
I could ramble on and on about backstories and character sketches, but who wants to read about that, much less write about it? Let’s get on to the only thing that really matters: the toys. Dino-Riders figures were roughly 2” tall and not very well detailed or articulated, a fact that we can all forgive since they’re so small. Really though the figures are, in this particular line, more of an accessory, an excuse if you will to have dinosaurs roaming around with laser guns and missiles on them. The dinosaurs themselves ranged in size from fairly small, like the Dimetrodon, to insanely huge, like the T-Rex. I remember getting the T-Rex for Christmas, at which point he promptly came out of the box, was covered in weapons systems, and then proceeded to eat every single action figure I owned…by himself! T-Rex was one of the dinosaurs that moved and his mouth opened and shut, so much mayhem was wreaked by him before Super Powers Superman took him down. Well, actually, that’s not true; Rex ate Supes too.
I never really had many of these toys, but I did have some of the gems like Rex, the Triceratops, and the Stegosaurus. The rest of the ones in my collection were the smaller guys like the Pterodactyl, Quetzalcoatl, and Dimetrodon. What I never had, nor knew existed, were the Ice Age guys. Upon looking at them, I can see why I never knew about them: chances are I saw them, blocked them from my memory as too painful, and now I’ll have to go on Dr. Phil to help me deal with this tragic undertaking. Not necessarily that the animals weren’t decent enough, but why the freak were they being ridden by cavemen who look like monkeys with shaved backs? It boggles the mind, it does.
Now, as I get older and wiser (or at least older) I realize that these toys were just friggin’ great. I want to go on E-Bay and buy up every single one I see. However, the premise behind them is a little suspect. After all, we basically have this idea that animals should be enslaved via mind-control if they won’t do what we want them to do. This of course can be applied further, and then we teach our children that anyone who disagrees with us must be mind-controlled. I know I’ve fantasized about building brain boxes or finding a necklace that allows me to control others, and I can probably trace that desire to control others who won’t do my bidding back to Dino-Riders. Or else I just need to stop with my Master’s Degree and not consider that Ph.D. Nevertheless, Dion-Riders are awesome awesome awesome, but I better stop my writing about them as there’s a strange woman wandering around the library and I might need to go call security.
-Sam
